Cars, Guitars and Playing In Bars

I think the type of guitar you play says something about you. It’s not the absolute final word on the entirety of a musician's personality. But it’s a pretty good indicator. Guitars come in all shapes and sizes, and the one you choose might tell the audience that you’re a badass, a metal head, a bluesman, a blue eyed soul man, a redneck country chicken-picker or a jazz guy. Just one look at the stage and you’ll have a pretty good idea of who the guy is that’s strumming those six strings.

NOTE #1 for the non-guitar playing amongst us. Here’s what I’m saying in a way you can easily understand: The guy driving a sensible sedan is not trying to show off his money or sexual prowess. He’s just a dude driving a car.

The guy who pulls up on a motorcycle is and always will be cooler than you. Maybe he’s not, but that’s the message he’s trying to convey.

The guy who pulls up in a Hummer is compensating for something. I won’t say what. You can guess.

The guy driving the 1987 Chevy Sprint is saying he’s been so beat down by life he just doesn’t care about your opinion anymore. The world has taken his self-respect. You know this because a man with self-respect would never drive a three cylinder vehicle that runs on a gas/oil mixture and sounds like a weed-eater on a hot summer day.

What you choose tells a story. But sometimes, you don’t have a choice…

The issue about guitars came up on St. Patrick’s Day. SugarSmaX, my band, had a gig. I packed my car during my lunch break, returned to work, hit the road at 5 p.m. without stopping by the house, drove the hour and ten minutes to get to Monroe and arrived pretty much on time. I walked into the club, found the stage, looked at it and froze. Oh damn. I stepped forward carrying my acoustic guitar, my gig bag and nothing else. I had a problem. It didn’t look like everyone was setting up for an acoustic gig. They were setting up for an electric show. I thought this was an acoustic gig. Hence, my arrival, armed with only my acoustic guitar.

NOTE #2 for those non guitar players amongst us. The acoustic guitar is hollow, made of wood, and is great to have around a campfire. Think of James Taylor. An electric guitar (the one I didn’t have) is played through an amplifier (something else I didn’t have), is very loud and made rock and roll what it is today. Think of Slash, the guitar player for Guns and Roses.

I was “James Taylor” arriving at a gig when “Slash” was expected. Think of Axl Rose hitting a primal scream, followed by the opening guitar strains of “Fire and Rain.” They go together like chocolate and pickles, which is to say, not at all.

This was one of those really bad moments you have when you realize that you have screwed up, there’s no one else to blame and you’re going to have to live with the fact that you’re going to make everyone else’s life a little more difficult.

Which is what I did…

NOTE #3 for those non guitar players amongst us. Stick with me. I’m not going to get too technical here…

Our bass player Mick typically sets up an electric guitar on a stand, which is plugged into a piece of electronics that make it sound like a synthesizer, piano, horn section, etc. We pulled that guitar for my use, forgoing the syth/piano/horn sounds during the first set.

Mick has a very nice Strat that’s seen a lot of use. It’s still in good shape and sounds sweet. The club happened to have an amp (miracle of miracles) and I was set to go with an ad hoc rig.

We also called our regular soundman (who wasn’t working this gig), Butch, who is an incredibly nice guy. Proving it, he brought one of his guitars to the club so I could play it during the second and third sets, allowing Mick to use his guitar again (you know, since he actually brought it to the club and didn’t forget that this gig was electric like some other horse’s ass who we won’t mention. Oh yeah. That was me!)

Butch’s guitar worked great and allowed us to finish out the gig in fine fashion. My only issue was the paint job. His guitar is an Ibanez – a good guitar with a good sound. But the paint job is more suited for heavy metal/hair metal bands where the guitar player is wearing leather pants, lighting those pants on fire and receiving sexual favors from willing groupies in between sets (see pic…the pic of the guitar, not the groupies, you horn dog!)

But that wasn’t who was playing this guitar. It was me. The guy who’s married, has a day job and is lucky if he can get the attention of the bartender in between sets to get a refill of Diet Coke.

“Between set sexual favors” vs. “between set Diet Coke refills”. You get my point?

That guitar really wasn’t me. I couldn’t play it regularly, despite the fact that it sounded and felt good. Don’t get me started on how happy I was that Butch brought it and how much of a life-saver the thing turned out to be. But would I own it? Nah.

I’ll stick with my Epiphone Les Paul Black Beauty (see pic..stop looking for a damned horse, it’s a guitar!). It’s a classic design, created by the man who invented the solid body electric (RIP Les Paul). The paint job is jet black and calls attention to the notes coming from the guitar, not the long haired, leather pants wearing, groupie scoring guy who’s playing it.

That guitar is much more my style. And yes, I drive a Nissan Altima – a sensible sedan, thanks for asking.

And by the way...Thanks again, Butch!