On "Sir" and "Ma'am"

It’s funny what offends us—and more funny when that which offends is intended as a term of respect. I was called “sir” the other day, at my job, and it was a bad moment for me. I posted, “Ouch. Was just called sir,” on my Facebook account and got a number of responses, many of which are copied in italics throughout this blog.

Tiffany Davis: Oh that is an ouch.

Courtney Conder: I feel your pain, Mark

Kent Bernhardt: Got called sir last week. Respect is nice, but still....Ouch.

Shannon Rasmussen Veurink: Gah, I hate it when they call me "ma'am" that's my granny thank you very much.

It got me thinking about why terms of respect can sometimes be far more offensive than “take a hike, jerk!” In digging through my brain and thinking about the situation, this is what I’ve decided. These things typically aren’t just about being called “sir” or “ma’am”. It’s the person calling us by that term that can turn it from a good moment to a bad one.

Jaime Mastromonica: Do youngins in the South not call everyone "sir" and "ma'am" anymore? I started getting ma'am'd at 12, so I never thought anyone was calling me old.

Jaime’s right. Had a child called me “sir”, I would have been impressed. It happens to me on occasion. Lots of kids go through my place of employment. Those children are the ones that make me smile a bit and increase my faith in mankind’s future. The little snot-nosed kids that scream, run under your feet, and show total disrespect for property that’s not their own? Well, unfortunately, it seems you might be more likely to run into them in any given day. Still, I do hear the little ones saying polite things in sufficient enough numbers that I think the next generation won’t be a total waste.

Kim Sifford: Respect. Tthats great!

You know, it occurs to me that if it had been someone older that called me “sir”, it also would have been fine. Because that’s just kind of cool, when your elders show you respect, as opposed to the other way around.

J.D. Shucker's: If it was a young cashier that said it, then yeah, you're getting old. If it was a cop, then...lol.

You know, in this situation, it wasn’t a woman, it was a guy who called me “sir.” I do, however, think that if it had been a woman, it would have been far worse. But in this case, and the real reason it became an “ouch” moment to me is because I looked like I could be this guy’s age. Well, close to his age. I mean, no more than five…okay maybe seven years older than him….tops…less than 10, anyway.

And isn’t that the social contract? If you’re within 10 years of each other, you don’t do “terms of respect.” You have a bond, created by proximity of age and experience, that allows you to step out of those social constraints and be more friendly and less formal. And that means he should have called me by any or all of the following: Man, dude, buddy, Holmes, pal, compadre, Chico, playa, bro, cracka,…

Mickey Byrd lol... huh huh (Butthead laugh), they thought u were old...

By not calling me one of the above, by calling me “sir”, by having the gall to show me respect, this stranger made me think, “Ouch, are the lines really starting to show? Is it getting that bad?” By abandoning the bond that should have existed between two guys no more the five years apart...okay maybe seven…less than ten years, certainly…when he abandoned that bond, I did, for a moment, feel old. And that’s why it hurt, just a bit. Because we’re all scared of how fast the years are moving past us. And they are moving quickly….

Connie Honbarrier: Mark, if you're just NOW getting called sir living here in the south, you're doing good! At least you don't get called hon or doll...or do you??

Actually, there was a “hon” and “sugar” later that day, both from woman (one, a sales rep and the otyher woman was working the drive thru) and I was perfectly fine with that. I quite enjoyed it actually. It didn’t make me feel young, but it did make me feel good. And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Mark