Let me be clear. This list is not a complaint. Many people for whom I care deeply said some of these things. Everyone who said these things meant well. They didn’t mean to make my hair stand on end, to make me cringe inside and make me complain to my wife. But that’s what happened.
This list is about advice. When someone announces that they are expecting a child, they’ll likely receive nearly any comment with good grace. They’ll probably understand that you really care. However, each time I heard one of the following eight things, the result was a discussion with my wife that started with, “You won’t believe what _______ said to me,” or “Guess what I heard today…again!”
1. “Your life is going to change.”
We’ve already heard that our lives are going to change. Hundreds of times. And we understand that adding a human life to our home and our hearts will make a difference in how our days are structured. Actually, we got pregnant because we are ready for a change.
2. “You’ll never sleep the same way again.”
This is sort of addendum to the previous message, but since its so common, it deserves a listing of its own. We’ve all heard stories about how the baby keeps you up at odd hours. We understand that it could be years before we get another moment of uninterrupted sleep. The bottom line: We’ll have a new baby. We’ll love that new baby. We’ll stay up with the baby.
3. “You’ll never be able to do _________ again.”
The final addendum to number one, but again, the commonality of this statement deserves its own listing. Parents seem to delight in telling you that anything you have done for fun in the past will cease to be an option. They seem happy to tell you, as if they’ve missed out on a piece of a happy life, and are excited that you’ll soon be joining in their misery. Thanks. That’s exactly the message expectant parents need to hear. When you’re already worried about the birth, your capacity as a parent or your financial capabilities to pay for diapers and formula, the one thing you want to hear is that you’ll be miserable during the struggle.
And by the way, I have friends with children. They get babysitters. They still have fun. It’s a choice.
4. For men: “You’ll never look at a ‘hoo-hah’ the same way again.”
Yes, this was said to me. By a salesman. On my front porch. His product wasn’t bad and we considered it. In the end, we didn’t make the purchase. I don’t know if his statement had an effect on my decision, but it might have. One way or the other, it was a stupid thing to say to a stranger and potential client. Even to a friend, it might be in poor taste.
5. “Babies are soooooo expensive.” OR “Formula is soooooo expensive.” OR “Diapers are soooooo expensive.”
We know. And if we didn’t know, we will. We have plans in place to pay for these things. And if we didn’t have those plans, we would find a way when the time comes. We don’t need the level of expense hammered into our heads again and again and again and again.
6. “I can’t believe that some people would consider abortion.”
You get to hear this one when you’re showing off the ultrasound pictures. It’s a very happy moment for expectant parents. It’s their first baby photo. But just because there’s a picture of an unborn baby involved, it doesn’t mean the time is right to express your political/religious beliefs. If you think abortion is murder, keep it to yourself for this one moment. Just tell the parents that the baby is cute. Give an “oooo” or an “ahhhh” at the 4D technology. Save the abortion speech for another time.
7. “Are you ready?”
We’re first time parents, so the answer is, “probably not.” And because we’re first time parents, we wouldn’t know if we’re ready or not. We’ve got a lot of stuff. We’ll probably need more. We know a lot of things. We’ll learn more. We’re as ready as we can be. God willing, that’s enough.
8. “You must be getting excited!” (Especially for “first time” parents.)
We’ve never been through this. There are a lot of concerns. In the early stages, you’re trying to pass by the hurdles and tests regarding Downs Syndrome, other abnormalities, whether the baby is developing on schedule, and whether the due date is correct. As time for the baby’s birth approaches, you’re worried about whether or not you have everything you need, wondering if the things you have are going to hurt the baby or result in SIDS, wondering how difficult the birth is going to be and wondering if the mother and baby are both going to be healthy. I don’t know what it’s like for the parents of second or third child. Maybe they have fewer concerns. But for those of us doing it the first time around, most of the excitement is tempered by a huge amount of worry and concern. “Excitement” feels like the wrong word. There’s definitely “anticipation.” The real problem with, “You must be getting excited!” is that I’m not willing to explain everything I just wrote in the course of a five minute conversation with a salesperson at work, or a coworker to whom I’m not particularly close or with someone I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s a question that’s far more loaded than it seems.
1. “Your life is going to change.”
We’ve already heard that our lives are going to change. Hundreds of times. And we understand that adding a human life to our home and our hearts will make a difference in how our days are structured. Actually, we got pregnant because we are ready for a change.
2. “You’ll never sleep the same way again.”
This is sort of addendum to the previous message, but since its so common, it deserves a listing of its own. We’ve all heard stories about how the baby keeps you up at odd hours. We understand that it could be years before we get another moment of uninterrupted sleep. The bottom line: We’ll have a new baby. We’ll love that new baby. We’ll stay up with the baby.
3. “You’ll never be able to do _________ again.”
The final addendum to number one, but again, the commonality of this statement deserves its own listing. Parents seem to delight in telling you that anything you have done for fun in the past will cease to be an option. They seem happy to tell you, as if they’ve missed out on a piece of a happy life, and are excited that you’ll soon be joining in their misery. Thanks. That’s exactly the message expectant parents need to hear. When you’re already worried about the birth, your capacity as a parent or your financial capabilities to pay for diapers and formula, the one thing you want to hear is that you’ll be miserable during the struggle.
And by the way, I have friends with children. They get babysitters. They still have fun. It’s a choice.
4. For men: “You’ll never look at a ‘hoo-hah’ the same way again.”
Yes, this was said to me. By a salesman. On my front porch. His product wasn’t bad and we considered it. In the end, we didn’t make the purchase. I don’t know if his statement had an effect on my decision, but it might have. One way or the other, it was a stupid thing to say to a stranger and potential client. Even to a friend, it might be in poor taste.
5. “Babies are soooooo expensive.” OR “Formula is soooooo expensive.” OR “Diapers are soooooo expensive.”
We know. And if we didn’t know, we will. We have plans in place to pay for these things. And if we didn’t have those plans, we would find a way when the time comes. We don’t need the level of expense hammered into our heads again and again and again and again.
6. “I can’t believe that some people would consider abortion.”
You get to hear this one when you’re showing off the ultrasound pictures. It’s a very happy moment for expectant parents. It’s their first baby photo. But just because there’s a picture of an unborn baby involved, it doesn’t mean the time is right to express your political/religious beliefs. If you think abortion is murder, keep it to yourself for this one moment. Just tell the parents that the baby is cute. Give an “oooo” or an “ahhhh” at the 4D technology. Save the abortion speech for another time.
7. “Are you ready?”
We’re first time parents, so the answer is, “probably not.” And because we’re first time parents, we wouldn’t know if we’re ready or not. We’ve got a lot of stuff. We’ll probably need more. We know a lot of things. We’ll learn more. We’re as ready as we can be. God willing, that’s enough.
8. “You must be getting excited!” (Especially for “first time” parents.)
We’ve never been through this. There are a lot of concerns. In the early stages, you’re trying to pass by the hurdles and tests regarding Downs Syndrome, other abnormalities, whether the baby is developing on schedule, and whether the due date is correct. As time for the baby’s birth approaches, you’re worried about whether or not you have everything you need, wondering if the things you have are going to hurt the baby or result in SIDS, wondering how difficult the birth is going to be and wondering if the mother and baby are both going to be healthy. I don’t know what it’s like for the parents of second or third child. Maybe they have fewer concerns. But for those of us doing it the first time around, most of the excitement is tempered by a huge amount of worry and concern. “Excitement” feels like the wrong word. There’s definitely “anticipation.” The real problem with, “You must be getting excited!” is that I’m not willing to explain everything I just wrote in the course of a five minute conversation with a salesperson at work, or a coworker to whom I’m not particularly close or with someone I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s a question that’s far more loaded than it seems.
And again, please take this writing as it was intended--a list of pitfalls to avoid. Not as a list of criticisms. And again, I feel compelled to say it: If you were one who said these things, don't take it personally. You are just as important as you once were. But throwing a little more into the Christmas gifts for Shelby later on wouldn't hurt anyway. I'm just sayin'...
Mark
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