The Dog Has Turned On Me

When I lean over to take the baby from my wife, I’m in danger. This wasn’t always the case. But recently, one of our dogs has turned on me. Yep. A normal day now is just an uneasy truce between me and our miniature poodle—with occasional moments of friendliness, but more often, moments of barred teeth and growling.

Hershey is a miniature chocolate poodle. Anyone who thinks poodles are snooty dogs with their tails held high and an air of superiority are sadly mistaken. At least, they are when it comes to Hershey. He’s the most lovable dog I’ve ever had. He’s always incredibly happy to see us. If I sit down on the couch, he’s right beside me with his head on my lap. Each night, when we go to bed, Hershey curls up beside me.
Those things still happen, but Hershey has also taken to snapping and even biting me. I should be angry. But Hershey’s motives, it seems, are pure.

The reason? Shelby. Our daughter has changed the household dynamic.

Hershey actually seemed relatively unaffected when we brought Shelby home from the hospital. That’s not to say he wasn’t interested. In the first week, he would sniff at the baby several times a day, trying to figure out what was up with the funny smelling bundle of blankets.

Then one night, Nicole and I were lying in bed while Shelby was in the pack and play bassinet. Hershey jumped from his typical spot in bed (beside me) and headed elsewhere. I heard him jump again. And Shelby made a gurgle. As it turns out, Hershey decided that there was someone else he’d rather snuggle with to sleep. It wasn’t me. When I crawled out of bed and looked into the pack and play, Hershey was curled beside the baby.

For the record, with the risk of SIDS, I did not allow that situation to continue.
But it did show that Hershey had taken a liking to the family’s newest addition. Little did I know, his affection for Shelby would mean danger—but only for me.
A few days later, Nicole needed me to take Shelby from her. She was on the couch, with Hershey curled up nearby. I leaned down to take the baby and the unexpected happened. Hershey snapped. I didn’t quite believe that he had done it, so I reached for the baby again. He tried to bite me again. I yelled at him, he cowered (because he’s a wimp) and I took the baby.

I won’t be defeated by a 12 lb. dog.

Still. It’s nice to know that in a pinch, Shelby will have someone who will at least make an effort to protect her from perceived danger.

I just wish Hershey would stop perceiving ME as danger.

It’s funny how quickly he has become attached. We left Shelby at the in-laws last week. As Nicole and I arrived home and let the dogs out of the bedroom, Hershey made us smile. He ran around the house, sniffing at the baby car seat, obviously searching for Shelby. He went to the baby swing, the little vibrating chair, back to the car seat, and made another lap of the house. A person is truly a part of the family when they’re missed.

My daughter has a buddy, a canine brother, and even a protector. It’s nice.

But if the little bastard ever successfully bites me, look out. It’s on.

Five Things Expectant Parents Want To Hear

As I said in the companion post, this list is not about complaining, it’s about giving advice. With that thought in mind, here are the five things that an expectant parent really wants to hear from you.

1. Advice
Ironically, other parents say the things in the first list, when we’d rather hear about what works. Really, we want to know. We’ll hear from a lot of people. We’ll take the most commonly suggested things and try them. Don’t be afraid to make suggestions. Even so, I think the best phrasing came from my wife’s friend who started with, “I’m going to give you lots of advice, but you can feel free to ignore it when the time comes.” There it was; no pressure, just information that might help us. Perfect.

2. “This is the best thing you’ll ever do.”
This is something I’ve heard a lot, so I assume it’s true. Even if it isn’t, in your case, it’s still a good thing to hear. As I said earlier, there’s a lot of concern and worry. Reassurance is always good.

3. “You’ll have lots of help.” (Especially for first time parents).
As stated above, there are a lot of concerns. There are lots of worries. We’re going to be responsible for a new life. Knowing that there’s someone to call for advice, for help, for tips, etc. is very comforting. It’s the real world equivalent of the reassurance you gave in #2.

4. Advice on where to shop for cheap stuff.
This is the perfect alternative to telling us how expensive everything will be. Instead of focusing on the problem, you’re giving us a solution. I have heard about every consignment store in the area, I am glad that I know where they are and I am ready to shop.

5. “You won’t do everything right and that’s okay.”
This keeps with the theme of reassurance. Ironically, no one has said this to me. I just read it and it made me feel better.

I think this is what I’ll say in the future when I come upon someone who is on the cusp of parenthood. It has that element of reassurance and even confidence-building.
Of course, I may be focusing on this last one because I hope, very much, that it’s true! I’ll let you know.

Eight Things Expectant Parents Don't Want To Hear

Let me be clear. This list is not a complaint. Many people for whom I care deeply said some of these things. Everyone who said these things meant well. They didn’t mean to make my hair stand on end, to make me cringe inside and make me complain to my wife. But that’s what happened.

This list is about advice. When someone announces that they are expecting a child, they’ll likely receive nearly any comment with good grace. They’ll probably understand that you really care. However, each time I heard one of the following eight things, the result was a discussion with my wife that started with, “You won’t believe what _______ said to me,” or “Guess what I heard today…again!”

1. “Your life is going to change.”
We’ve already heard that our lives are going to change. Hundreds of times. And we understand that adding a human life to our home and our hearts will make a difference in how our days are structured. Actually, we got pregnant because we are ready for a change.

2. “You’ll never sleep the same way again.”
This is sort of addendum to the previous message, but since its so common, it deserves a listing of its own. We’ve all heard stories about how the baby keeps you up at odd hours. We understand that it could be years before we get another moment of uninterrupted sleep. The bottom line: We’ll have a new baby. We’ll love that new baby. We’ll stay up with the baby.

3. “You’ll never be able to do _________ again.”
The final addendum to number one, but again, the commonality of this statement deserves its own listing. Parents seem to delight in telling you that anything you have done for fun in the past will cease to be an option. They seem happy to tell you, as if they’ve missed out on a piece of a happy life, and are excited that you’ll soon be joining in their misery. Thanks. That’s exactly the message expectant parents need to hear. When you’re already worried about the birth, your capacity as a parent or your financial capabilities to pay for diapers and formula, the one thing you want to hear is that you’ll be miserable during the struggle.
And by the way, I have friends with children. They get babysitters. They still have fun. It’s a choice.

4. For men: “You’ll never look at a ‘hoo-hah’ the same way again.”
Yes, this was said to me. By a salesman. On my front porch. His product wasn’t bad and we considered it. In the end, we didn’t make the purchase. I don’t know if his statement had an effect on my decision, but it might have. One way or the other, it was a stupid thing to say to a stranger and potential client. Even to a friend, it might be in poor taste.

5. “Babies are soooooo expensive.” OR “Formula is soooooo expensive.” OR “Diapers are soooooo expensive.”
We know. And if we didn’t know, we will. We have plans in place to pay for these things. And if we didn’t have those plans, we would find a way when the time comes. We don’t need the level of expense hammered into our heads again and again and again and again.

6. “I can’t believe that some people would consider abortion.”
You get to hear this one when you’re showing off the ultrasound pictures. It’s a very happy moment for expectant parents. It’s their first baby photo. But just because there’s a picture of an unborn baby involved, it doesn’t mean the time is right to express your political/religious beliefs. If you think abortion is murder, keep it to yourself for this one moment. Just tell the parents that the baby is cute. Give an “oooo” or an “ahhhh” at the 4D technology. Save the abortion speech for another time.

7. “Are you ready?”
We’re first time parents, so the answer is, “probably not.” And because we’re first time parents, we wouldn’t know if we’re ready or not. We’ve got a lot of stuff. We’ll probably need more. We know a lot of things. We’ll learn more. We’re as ready as we can be. God willing, that’s enough.

8. “You must be getting excited!” (Especially for “first time” parents.)
We’ve never been through this. There are a lot of concerns. In the early stages, you’re trying to pass by the hurdles and tests regarding Downs Syndrome, other abnormalities, whether the baby is developing on schedule, and whether the due date is correct. As time for the baby’s birth approaches, you’re worried about whether or not you have everything you need, wondering if the things you have are going to hurt the baby or result in SIDS, wondering how difficult the birth is going to be and wondering if the mother and baby are both going to be healthy. I don’t know what it’s like for the parents of second or third child. Maybe they have fewer concerns. But for those of us doing it the first time around, most of the excitement is tempered by a huge amount of worry and concern. “Excitement” feels like the wrong word. There’s definitely “anticipation.” The real problem with, “You must be getting excited!” is that I’m not willing to explain everything I just wrote in the course of a five minute conversation with a salesperson at work, or a coworker to whom I’m not particularly close or with someone I haven’t seen in a long time. It’s a question that’s far more loaded than it seems.

And again, please take this writing as it was intended--a list of pitfalls to avoid. Not as a list of criticisms. And again, I feel compelled to say it: If you were one who said these things, don't take it personally. You are just as important as you once were. But throwing a little more into the Christmas gifts for Shelby later on wouldn't hurt anyway. I'm just sayin'...

Mark